If I Could Only Give You One Piece Of Advice…

I saw a post on IG the other day that said, “Moms, ask your kids how you can be a better mother to them this year,” and I cringed….

Mamas, please don’t do this to your babies.

If I could give you ONE piece of parenting advice, it’d be this:

“Stay above it.”

Or put another way:

“You are the adult; they are the child.”

I see it a lot—parents entering into the crazy, the emotion, the argument, etc., WITH the child and inadvertently coming down to the maturity level of the child.

Remember, always, you are the adult, you are the parent. They are the child.

They need you to be the adult. They are desperate for it.

Just like we are desperate for our Heavenly Father’s constant, consistent protection of us.

Scripture mentions self-discipline/self-restraint/self-control over 70 times.

The Lord knew we’d struggle, so He mentioned it a lot. He created us and He knows we are capable of self-control. He wouldn’t ask us to do it if He didn’t wire us to do it. You can be self-controlled. No matter how much we tease that we can’t or say it’s impossible, we can. You can.

When our babies are born, they have no self-discipline. None.

Think about the language that is used with newborns: On demand, child-led, when they sleep, you sleep, etc…and because of this, it’s complete and utter chaos. When babies are born, we slip into survival mode. Keep the baby alive, keep yourself alive…and that’s okay for a while.

But as the babies grow into toddlers, we start to expect different levels of self-restraint.

We have to. I’m sure you have all encountered a toddler that has no boundaries. The chaos turns to destruction and mayhem. It’s impossible for anyone to be around.

So, we say no to endless snacking, no to throwing temper tantrums, no to unnecessary screaming, no to throwing toys, hitting siblings, we teach them to control the volume of their voices in public spaces, etc.

We expect them to have some self-discipline, and that looks different and more complex as they age (and it looks different for each parenting style).

But here’s what I see happen a lot:

We, as parents/adults, stop working on our own disciplines. We get tired, we forget, we come under spiritual pushback from the enemy, and we just stop maturing in this area.

We could spend an entire book’s worth of time on this subject alone—what the continuation of the maturity of self-discipline looks like as we age—but for the purposes of this article, I want to zero in on what it looks like in parenting.

Our lack of maturity in the area of self-discipline most often rears its head in the heat of the argument, the heat of the temper tantrum, the heat of the snarky remark from your preteen/teen, the heat of the toddler meltdown in public, and we could go on!

These moments rarely happen right after a great night’s sleep, in 70-degree weather, while the birds are chirping, and you just finished a rockstar Bible reading and journalling session.

No, kids are much smarter than that, and the enemy knows better than to attack you in that state. It’s no fun for either of them.

These heated moments almost always seem to happen when all our inhibitions are down. They happen when we are tired, hungry, concentrating on something other than the child having the moment, late at night, when you are on the way out the door, when you are in a hurry, etc. (literally, etc.).

These moments almost always catch us off guard.

And rather than be cool, stay above the emotion, remember that we are adults, and remember that we have the ability to self-regulate and be self-controlled…our knee-jerk reaction is more often than not to enter into the chaos with them.

Have you ever argued with your toddler after telling them to do something or giving them instructions?

Have you yelled in order to match the energy of chaos coming off a kid who’s on your last nerve?

Have you found yourself being snarky back at your preteen/teenager?

Or, have your feelings been hurt by things they are hurling at you?

We all have. And if you haven’t, it’s coming. Preteens and teens are really, really good at getting reactions. They must get a manual or something.

But here is where my advice comes in…stay above it.

Remember that you are the adult; they are the child.

Technically, we should have more control over our emotions.

Technically, we should be showing them, with our actions and words, what it looks like to self-discipline our anger.

Don’t enter into the emotion, the reaction, the arguing…the lack of self-discipline…with them.

Stay above it; they are looking to you for how to react.

They are asking, without realizing it, “Do you have enough self-discipline for the both of us because I am out of control and need you to help me? Can you be the safe place for us both?”

They, of course, can’t articulate that, and you can’t say that back to them—it will only enrage them. It’s the same concept as when they are toddlers and we are teaching them boundaries. We tell them, “Don’t throw that toy at your brother,” but what we are really saying is, “Be self-controlled; there is peace in order. We’ll all have more fun if you learn this boundary.”

Don’t stop sending them this message.

For example:

When they are little girls entering that 8-10-year-old sassy phase, don’t sass back.

When you meet sass with sass, you are entering into the immaturity, the lack of self-discipline, with them. It sends the message, “Your sass is the appropriate response, good job, and I’ll show you how to be even sassier.” When, instead, you reply to the sass with a self-controlled tone of voice, protective posture towards her heart, even if it has to be stern, stay above it, stay self-controlled, you will be sending the message, “Yes, I have enough self-discipline for us both, and this is how it looks to be self-controlled.” I would actually make my girls repeat certain requests or statements with the correct tone of voice so that they could practice saying it the right way, even if they didn’t feel that way, I wanted them to hear it and remind them they were capable.

When they are teenagers and the digs get personal, nuanced, and start to hurt a little (or maybe a lot), do not dig back; do not take it personally. (I am fully aware of how hard that is! I had four teenage girls all at the same time. It was wild.) Stay above it. They are still learning, they are still asking you if you have enough self-discipline for the both of you.

Teach them by showing them. Reassure them, in their chaos, that you are self-controlled and a safe place to land. Reassure them that you are the adult; you are not on the same level.

I could keep giving examples, but I think you get the point.

This brings me back to the “Ask your kids how to be a better mother this year” post I saw.

Don’t do this.

You are the adult. They are the child.

By asking questions like this to your children, you are sending the message that you have no clue what’s going on, and the next best expert in the room is the person with the least amount of maturity, no self-control, extreme selfishness issues, and depending upon the age, too many hormones to be answering this.

I get the heart behind this. I am all for open dialogue with your children about family issues. Our family talked a lot, and we tackled big emotional, heavy subjects together. We did ask for our kids’ input on a regular basis. We did apologize to our kids when we goofed, but it was always with the posture of, “We are the parents; you are the children. We will protect you.”

So, please don’t hear me say to never get input from your kids.

Just draw the line at putting them in the role of protector and teacher.

It’s too heavy for them.

If you want to know how to be a better mom…pray.

Ask Jesus. I promise He will answer this and give you some amazing insight.

Ask your husband, if he is in a healthy place to speak into this. And be willing to hear his answer.

Ask a close friend who loves Jesus and then be humble enough to listen and not immediately argue with the feedback. 

Whatever you do, protect the hearts of the children God has placed in your care. Protect them by working on your own self-control and maturity level. Protect them by staying above the chaos. You can do it. I promise you it’s a much easier way to parent once you get into the habit.

It’s tough in the heat of the moment but by making it a habit (which means you’ll nail it sometimes and fail other times, don’t give up after one fail…or two or three fails…) your home will start to have a sense of calm.

It gets easier to see the moments coming and be self-controlled. I promise. But you have to do the work. It will be worth it.