How To Make Friends

I’m new to town—again.
This is my seventh move across the country as an adult and my thirteenth move across the country or world overall. Over 40 years of my life have been spent moving every 3–8 years.

To this day, I can feel my mom’s hand on my back, gently pushing me toward a new group of people, and I can hear her say, “To have a friend, you must first be a friend.” A twist on Ralph Waldo Emerson’s line, “The only way to have a friend is to be one.” Both my mom and Ralph are correct. It was true in the 1880s, it was true in the 1980s, and it’s still true today.

I’ve been around the block when it comes to making new friends. Yet here I am at 45, new in town and navigating the same feelings of anxiety, sadness, loneliness, and dread about what people might think of me—all over again.

I’ve learned a few things over the years, and while I still feel all those pangs, they no longer steer the ship. I feel them—it’s okay to feel them. Emotions are good. But I’m no longer ruled by them. They don’t call the shots.

Maybe you haven’t moved a lot, but you find yourself in a new phase of life where your friend group has grown apart. Or you look around and realize that, while you may have friends, it’s time to grow apart from them. Or perhaps you’ve never had a friend group and are desperate for one.

We live life in seasons. Sometimes, those seasons end, and we need to start over—even if we haven’t done something as drastic as moving to a new town. In fact, starting fresh in the same town can be even harder. (I’ve been there, too.)

So, let me take some time to share what I do.

First, I pray.

Please don’t underestimate the power of asking God for good, iron-sharpens-iron friends. Write out a simple 1–2 sentence prayer about your need for friends and community. Repeat this prayer every day (there’s no need to come up with new words). God will answer this one.

How do I know? Because He created you in His image. And His image is community—He is a triune God. Because you are made in His image, He wants you to be in community too. This may look different across cultures, phases of life, and personalities, but it’s part of our design. Pray, watch, and wait. He will answer.

Second, I put myself in places where people are.

You can make friends online—I’ve done it, and those connections are precious—but nothing compares to friends who can look you in the eye and be physically present with you.

How? Be brave. I know, that’s easy to say, but when you’re actually doing it, the sweat is real, your heart pounds, and your stomach might hurt afterward (mine does!). I’ve even sat in my car after meeting new people, experiencing full-blown panic attacks. I couldn’t drive home until it passed. But I’m here to say: do it anyway. Feel the fear and do it anyway.

Your emotions are valid, but don’t let them rule you. You are the boss of them, not the other way around. Not every group will be your jam, and not every place you show up will result in three new BFFs. Sometimes, you have to try several times.

Third, I take my time.

Not everyone who is immediately available or has lots of time for you is meant to be a close friend. Some people may simply remain acquaintances, and that’s okay. There’s no need to exclude or be unkind, but it’s also okay to wait for the right friends to come along.

In the meantime, focus on yourself. Are there areas of your character you could improve? Skills you could sharpen? Don’t rush the process—God’s timing is often better than ours, and He loves to answer prayers in creative ways.

Fourth, I take the initiative.

And yes, even if you’re an introvert, you can do this. Introducing yourself to just one person and asking a few simple questions is a good start. Before heading to a new group or event, think of 2–3 conversation starters. This will help you when you’re nervous.

When you start a conversation, listen to the other person’s answers, but also share a little about yourself. This helps the other person feel at ease.

Final Thoughts

As you can see, it takes self-discipline and courage to make new friends. But you can do it. I’m right there with you, and I’ve tested these strategies multiple times.

You’ve got this. We’ve got this.